I’ve been very quiet, squirrelling away at a small project.
This is my first book. Steel City Memoirs. At the turn of my thirtieth birthday I decided to book end it with a collection of some of my favourite photos over my twenties.
Here it is.
A small collection of photos I snapped in 2011 during a rather nasty bleed. The hum of electricity, beeping, some crying and long bouts of silence is almost an overwhelming experience. Especially considering this is what you are greeted with after coming out of dream state, induced from blood loss.
I’ve been doing some reorganising of my photo collection. Found a stack of these instant photos. I remember i used to burn through these pretty quickly and not keep many for myself. Leaving little pieces of myself around.
I honestly don’t know what to say. My thoughts are with the family and friends of those who lost someone.
This is a tragedy.
Not long ago my anxiety finally wrapped it’s dastardly fingers around my throat and choked the life out of me. I couldn’t function. Fast forward months and i was still struggling.
Common bad dreams. Usually induced by a bleed. The taste of blood would burn my dreams.
My dream state would shift into that pesky bad dream. First is the metallic taste of iron,blood. Followed by the recurring struggle of keeping my head above the water as i watch my family at the edge.
Iron & Salt.
More recently i had a new dream. I was face to face with a younger self.
He/I was angry.
“Look, i can’t take it anymore. I can’t take you anymore.”
“Yeah you! You’re not me!”
Yes i am.
“No you’re fuckin not mate.”
“This wasn’t change, you let it finally get it to you.”
Yeah i guess.
“I’ll be honest, i didn’t think you’d make it this far.”
“Do you remember what it was like? You/I lived like we never knew when it would take us. When you think about it, that’s what normal people are like huh?”
” We accepted it, somewhere along the line you rejected it. I can see why. It’s time you accept it again. For their sake. Agreed?”
I’ve doing better since. I had a dream wake up call.
I’m starting to feel better.
Ever since I can remember I’ve had to have black sheets. The white sheets just aren’t practical.
Today i was asked “how’s life?”. Well Life is good. In fact it’s never been this good, my beautiful family is beautiful, our new home is incredible and all of this together with the impending warm seasons coming up living on the beach will finally be worth it. I’ve never been this happy.
I cut myself during cleaning the dishes.
The whole experience spoke a little to well to me and led me down a rather dark depressing daydream. The knife an accident just waiting to happen, the water draining from the sink as my blood drains from my body.A dark reminder of my condition kicks in.My conscious slips down the rabbit hole. Deeper.Darker……….
My day dream is shattered by a small voice calling out to me, “dad!”. The little voice of my daughter calls out, a light goes on.The cockroaches of anxiety scatter and crawl back into the cracks of my mind………I’m greeted by a little face of concern. Blood had run down my arm, my daughter was looking at it pointing at the last drop that was about to run off my elbow.
I wash my arm and pick her up, tell her it’s going to be okay. Show her that dad’s alright. Truth is…. she makes me alright.
Life is good.
So as i type this i’m going through a batch of photos i took a few days ago.
I worked a small job for the colleague i attend, a graduates ceremony. An hour in i feel regretful, I haven’t done a job like this in years.
I’ve never really liked to do work for other people,photography is my creative outlet. It’s the way i express myself and over the past few years that’s really solidified.
The photo below is the only photo i took for myself and the only photo i’m happy with, i won’t be doing this again.