I don’t dream, but when i do nine out of ten chances it’s a nightmare. It’s always in some way a feeling of helplessness. This scene has been dominating my dream space more often. Calling out to my family, i slowly sink, deeper down, my head goes under. Black.
Eventually this disease will do the same to me in reality. Deeper down.
I’ve been doing a black and white photo challenge on social media.
I thought i’d share this photo on here.
The camera jammed,the film advance snapped the negative and the battery died.
Moments later it worked again, as a matter of fact it still works. Same battery and all.
The timing is what gets me, this was the moment that hospital made the decision to stop with life support for my father in law.
I’m not the slightest bit spiritual, i’m a major sceptic. This moment is a reminder of grief and the humbling reality that there are things that i will never understand about the universe.
For the people who don’t know me let me explain.
I was born with a very rare condition.
I have Von Willebrand disease type 3.
The easiest explanation is my body doesn’t produce much clotting agent, so i bleed very heavily.
I’ve lived with it my entire life, it’s almost killed me a handful of times.
I thought i had a grip on my mortality, came to grips with my short fuse but truth is i haven’t.
I’ve become afraid again, not for my sake but for the little person that i’ve created. My little girl.
This is what my whole body of work is about (if you want to call it that).
I’m afraid of fading away.I don’t care about fame, recognition and all that shit.That’s not me.
It’s the fact i could die any day and i want to leave as much of myself for my daughter.
This is why i love photography and more so film photography.
I have a physical representation of my first person view.
Something Charli can take and see what her dad saw even when i’m gone.
My work will change almost on a weekly basis, it’s almost chaotic but it is created from panic and frustration i suppose.
Colour to black and white, portraits to street shots.
A friend of mine put it nicely and said it “shows diversity”.
The truth is i’m just doing all i can with what time i have and what i can use.
I guess i started feeling this and working like this around the time we found out we we’re going to be parents.
It was the same week that i had started 40 days that we decided to have a baby so i could spend as much time as possible with our child.It was then that i stopped caring and started recording for the person i hadn’t yet met.
This photo is probably the best representation of what i live with, a crimson reminder that i’m on a countdown.