Today i was asked “how’s life?”. Well Life is good. In fact it’s never been this good, my beautiful family is beautiful, our new home is incredible and all of this together with the impending warm seasons coming up living on the beach will finally be worth it. I’ve never been this happy.
I cut myself during cleaning the dishes.
The whole experience spoke a little to well to me and led me down a rather dark depressing daydream. The knife an accident just waiting to happen, the water draining from the sink as my blood drains from my body.A dark reminder of my condition kicks in.My conscious slips down the rabbit hole. Deeper.Darker……….
My day dream is shattered by a small voice calling out to me, “dad!”. The little voice of my daughter calls out, a light goes on.The cockroaches of anxiety scatter and crawl back into the cracks of my mind………I’m greeted by a little face of concern. Blood had run down my arm, my daughter was looking at it pointing at the last drop that was about to run off my elbow.
I wash my arm and pick her up, tell her it’s going to be okay. Show her that dad’s alright. Truth is…. she makes me alright.
Life is good.
For the people who don’t know me let me explain.
I was born with a very rare condition.
I have Von Willebrand disease type 3.
The easiest explanation is my body doesn’t produce much clotting agent, so i bleed very heavily.
I’ve lived with it my entire life, it’s almost killed me a handful of times.
I thought i had a grip on my mortality, came to grips with my short fuse but truth is i haven’t.
I’ve become afraid again, not for my sake but for the little person that i’ve created. My little girl.
This is what my whole body of work is about (if you want to call it that).
I’m afraid of fading away.I don’t care about fame, recognition and all that shit.That’s not me.
It’s the fact i could die any day and i want to leave as much of myself for my daughter.
This is why i love photography and more so film photography.
I have a physical representation of my first person view.
Something Charli can take and see what her dad saw even when i’m gone.
My work will change almost on a weekly basis, it’s almost chaotic but it is created from panic and frustration i suppose.
Colour to black and white, portraits to street shots.
A friend of mine put it nicely and said it “shows diversity”.
The truth is i’m just doing all i can with what time i have and what i can use.
I guess i started feeling this and working like this around the time we found out we we’re going to be parents.
It was the same week that i had started 40 days that we decided to have a baby so i could spend as much time as possible with our child.It was then that i stopped caring and started recording for the person i hadn’t yet met.
This photo is probably the best representation of what i live with, a crimson reminder that i’m on a countdown.